“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself.
And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was”

Sade Andria Zabala

I found myself at 19 years old dying of alcoholism.

I had my first drink when I was 14.
That moment changed everything for me.
Something happened when I took that first drink.
It set something off in me.
Something I couldn’t ignore.
Something I chased for 10 years after the fact.
From the moment I had my first drink, it was ALL I thought about.
From that moment on, my whole life revolved around alcohol.

What I did.
Where I went.
Who my friends were
&
Every choice in between.

I set off on a path of self destruction.
It happened slowly, and then all at once.

I graduated high school when I was 17 and by the time I turned 19,
I was drinking about 5/6 days of the week.
The people in my life, worried.
My parents stayed up countless nights, waiting for me to drag my drunk ass home.
My mom held my hair back, as I threw up for hours. Fading in and out of blackouts.
My dad watched his little girl struggle with the same demon he did.

I was raised with good morals, respect, and dignity in who I was.
Along the way those became less of a priority to me.
Maybe because I hated who I was.
Maybe because the only thing I cared about came in a brown paper bag.
Or maybe because in my mind, giving up those things, was a small price to pay for the feeling alcohol gave me.

I put myself in situations , that looking back now, were dangerous, and irresponsible for me to be in.
Surrounding myself with those who drank/drugged like I did, or more than I did, made it easier for my addiction to thrive.

For years that life style was normal for me.
I was “too young” to have a problem.
I had a job. Sixty plus hours a week most weeks.
I worked hard but partied harder.
With a steady income, no real big losses and a family who was still by my side
how could I be an alcoholic?

Fast forward to 21. Things were not better. All my friends I had in high school were graduating university, buying houses, starting families and I was stuck in the same spot I was in at 18.

I kept waiting for the day I would wake up, and be over it.
The day I would wake up and not have this indescribable obsession/need to be drunk.
It was a day that never came.
A day I knew wouldn’t come if I didn’t at least try to get help.

So, I reached out.
I found a group of people willing to help me fight this.


I cut the toxic people out of my life, even it hurt.
I have relapsed.
I have been in some really dark places,
even in recovery. Even without drinking.
It’s been hard. Real hard.
But possible and worth it.

I have spent the last year of my life, sober because of an incredible bunch of people and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA isn’t for everybody but is apart of my story) I have got to live this past year and not just exist.

Just like addiction doesn’t discriminate, neither does sobriety.
Sobriety from alcohol and or drugs is possible.
If your 22 or 62.

Till’ next time
xx